5 Things We Weren’t Taught in Sex Ed And Why It Matters for Your Pleasure Today

For most of us, sex education was… well, lacking in all areas.

It focused on biology, risk, reproduction, and fear, not pleasure, connection, curiosity, or how our bodies actually work from multiple perspectives. 

Luckily, I’ve always been deeply curious about the human experience when it comes to sex, pleasure, intimacy, and relationships, and I’m here to help normalise a few things along the way. We’re rarely taught to pause and really understand our bodies, to notice why something works one moment and not the next. Most of us (myself included) spend our early adult years trying to compare ourselves to what we see on TV or in porn.

But here’s the truth: sex is far more complex, beautiful, and deeply personal than anything we’ve been shown or taught to believe.

Here are 5 things we weren’t taught in sex ed, and why understanding them can completely change how you experience pleasure today. Because they changed mine, and we don't gatekeep around here.

1. Orgasm doesn’t have to be the end goal

Sometimes orgasm happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Both can still be deeply satisfying. I get it, you most likely have been told this one before. But hear me out, when we are taught that sex = penetration + orgasm, sex becomes about goals and implies sex should look one way. That's not true at all. 

Sex doesn’t have to be a performance or even have a finish line. Sex, intimacy and pleasure are allowed to be about sensation, closeness, curiosity, play, or relaxation. Not just an orgasm. 

See how it feels to focus less on the orgasm and more on how it feels to be touched, in the moment, with the sensations rushing through your body, the connection you feel between your partner, and tell me that experience isn't more deeply satisfying than making just an orgasm happen.

2. Not everyone experiences desire the same way

Sex ed rarely taught us how desire (the wanting to have sex) works, just that we should (or shouldn’t) have it. In reality, there are different sexual response styles, and we all experience them differently, and they even change based on age, relationships and other external factors.

In short, there are 3 ways in which we experience the desire for sex:

• Spontaneous desire — wanting sex out of the blue
• Responsive desire — desire that shows up after touch or intimacy begins
• Contextual desire — desire shaped by environment, safety, stress levels, and emotional connection

If you don’t “just feel horny” randomly, that doesn’t mean your libido is low or that you are broken. It means your body needs the right conditions, and yes, that’s normal.

3. Pleasure comes in many forms, not just penetration

Penetration has been positioned as “real sex” for decades. But it is so much bigger, so much more complex than that. For many people and many bodies, penetration alone doesn’t lead to pleasure at all. Expanding your definition of sex expands your opportunities for enjoyment, and trust me when I say it opens up so many possibilities to access pleasure. 

For example, touch, oral, grinding, toys, fantasy, breath, skin-to-skin contact, and external stimulation can be just as, if not more, pleasurable.

4. Only wanting sex with yourself is ok, too

Self-pleasure can be a valid, fulfilling, and empowering part of a healthy sexual relationship with yourself, whether you’re single, partnered, or somewhere in between. Self-pleasure not only helps us better understand what we like, but it also helps us feel more in tune with our bodies. 

I like to say, 'It helps regulate and educate.'

When we know how we like to be touched by exploring that for ourselves, we can then determine whether we share it with another person or others, or stay focused on solo pleasure. 

It's important to mention that not wanting sexual interaction with others at all is also ok and normal.

5. Pain is never “just something to push through”

One of the most harmful lessons we were taught, especially people with vulvas and vaginas, is that sex might hurt, and that’s something to endure. Trust me, that message sticks and many women end up pushing through painful sex because our pleasure was never normalised, nor were we taught that pain was not normal. 

Remember, pain is your body's way of communicating that something is wrong. Sex should be enjoyable, not bearable.

If something hurts, your body deserves care, curiosity, and support, not pressure or dismissal. That goes for those with a penis, and or if anal sex hurts too.

Why does this all matter?

Unlearning what we weren’t taught but learnt through social scripts meant to box us all into one type of sexual experience is just as important as learning something new.

When you understand your body, your desire style, and your pleasure signals, you can:

• Communicate more clearly
• Let go of shame
• Explore pleasure on your own terms
• Choose tools, toys, and experiences that actually support you

And it’s never too late to learn.