How to ask for what you want (Without dying of embarrassment)

Asking for what you want in bed can feel more terrifying than accidentally liking your ex's Insta from 2017. But guess what? Talking about sex shouldn't feel like you just accidentally sent a nude to the wrong person.

In fact, knowing how to ask for what you want? It's seriously one of the sexiest skills you can have. And no, you don't need a PhD in dirty talk to pull it off. Think about it, you're hooking up with someone and they confidently whisper exactly what they want, how they want it, and where they want it. Hot, right? So what's stopping you from being that person?

We won't lie to you, it takes practice and being in the presence of someone you feel safe to do it with, but I promise you it's going to change your sex life. If you are wondering, how on earth do I even spell up? Here's how to do it without cringing, ghosting, or evaporating into thin air.

1. Get Curious (With Yourself First)

Before you can tell someone else what you're into, you've got to figure it out for yourself. You can't expect your partner to read your mind if you haven't done a little exploring. That means having a little solo time, a little scroll through Bed Nerdz, and maybe trying that toy you've had in your cart for three weeks.

Need a few ideas to get started?

• Try something you've never used before: Maybe a suction toy, a bullet or a vibrating butt plug.
• Don't just chase the orgasm: Focus on sensation. What kind of touch feels nice? What type of build-up gets you there?
• Explore some spicy content: Whether it's a steamy book, audio erotica or some ethical porn, explore what turns you on.

2. Stop Saying "Sorry" for Being Into Stuff

Your desires aren't weird; if it's safe, sane and consensual, then you are good. Wanting to be tied up? Not weird. Wanting to go slow and sensual? Also not weird. Wanting to try that wand that looks like it belongs in a wizard film? Still not weird. (Actually iconic.)

The world is full of boring sex, but it's only boring when you stay silent about what you truly desire and want in the bedroom—asking for what you want = not boring.

3. Blame Us

If you're shy, use us as your excuse. Literally say: "So I read this post on Bed Nerdz and they said we should be talking about what we like… so here goes "Boom. Ice broken. No pressure.

4. Talk Before You're Naked

Talking about your desires during sex can feel intense, especially if your heart's already racing from doing something as wild as… making eye contact or lying there in your birthday suit. Instead, drop it into convo on a walk, over dinner, or while doom-scrolling TikTok together.

"Babe, would you ever try a cock ring?" hits different when you're not both naked and nervous. It also alleviates the pressure on someone to say yes out of fear of not performing or meeting expectations.

5. Nervous? That's Normal. Do It Anyway.

You can be flustered and still ask for what you want. You don't need to be smooth. You don't need to have a script. You need to say it. (Or text it. We're not judging.) Every honest conversation is a step toward better sex, and tbh, better everything. Everyone is nervous when it comes to talking about their sexual desires. Why? We're often taught to emulate what's portrayed in movies, but by now, we all know that our bodies don't all function the same way.

Learn your desires, find your new normal and ask for what you want.

You got this

You don't need to be fearless to be honest. You need to start. Whether it's solo vibes, couple toys, or just asking for a bit more foreplay, please, owning your desires is sexy as hell. And if you need a little help? We've got toys for that.

Explore the full range at Bed Nerdz — because pleasure is better when it's playful.